


philza minecrafts secret wednesday escapades

by miss_ghosty



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Dick’s Sporting Goods, Fluff and Crack, Gen, no beta we die like-, sigh this is the longest thing ive ever written this is awful, yeah its too soon to make that joke ill wait a bit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:40:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29811324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_ghosty/pseuds/miss_ghosty
Summary: “Well you see, Blade, as we all know, Philza Minecraft is a Big Man. The Biggest Man in fact, even beyond me, which is, of course, nearly impossible, actually, beyond even Vikkstar himself, I know-““Get on with it Tommy!”“Oh shut it Wil-bitch. Anyways, the Big Man himself always leaves for at least two hours every Wednesday. Where to, you might ask? Well, I got Tubbo to track his phone, very poggers of him if I might add, and, every week, he goes to Dick’s Sporting Goods. Every, fucking week.”
Relationships: Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 89





	philza minecrafts secret wednesday escapades

**Author's Note:**

> based on a true story

“Listen up boys!”

Tommy grinned and held his hands up, gesturing to the whiteboard behind him. 

“Why should we listen to you? You’re a child.”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP WILBUR!! I AM A BIG MAN!! A BIG MAN I SAY!!”

Wilbur cackled, clasping his hands against his stomach, beanie shifting slightly as he leaned over, while Tommy launched into a tirade of swears and insults.

From behind him, the third boy in the room picked his head out of his book, holding back a laugh.

“Could you shut up? You’re getting your gross spit everywhere,” - Tommy began to babble angrily - “Weren’t we supposed to be here for a reason, anyways?”

Tommy’s momentary indignation was stopped in its tracks as he remembered what they were there for.

“Right, Blade! We are here for an incredibly important matter! A matter of one Philza Minecraft.”

That piqued Techno’s interest. Phil was pretty nice, plus he had clout, what issue could there even be?”

“And? What about him?” he droned out, pushing up his duct-taped glasses, the bright pattern of the tape contrasting with his dry tone.

“Well you see, Blade, as we all know, Philza Minecraft is a Big Man. The Biggest Man in fact, even beyond me, which is, of course, nearly impossible, actually, beyond even Vikkstar himself, I know-“

“Get on with it Tommy!”

“Oh shut it Wil-bitch. Anyways, the Big Man himself always leaves for at least two hours every Wednesday. Where to, you might ask? Well, I got Tubbo to track his phone, very poggers of him if I might add, and, every week, he goes to Dick’s Sporting Goods. Every, fucking week.”

The others were startled into silence, eyes wide, because boy was that not what they were expecting. 

Wilbur was the first to break out of his stupor and speak.

“I’m sorry what?”

“What are you, fuckin deaf? I said Dick’s Sporting Goods.”

“Yeah I heard that. But also why the fuck would he be going there for so long? He’s never returned with any bags when he gets home!” 

Wilbur threw his hands in the air, raising an eyebrow at the boy.

“Maybe he’s just browsin, you don’ know,” Techno chimed in, barely questioning the situation.

Tommy ignored Techno and prattled on, “You see, boys! That’s what we’re here for! We, fellas, are gonna figure out what’s going on!”

With a flair, he flipped the whiteboard to reveal the other side covered in smudged scribblings. 

“Tada!”

Techno adjusted his glasses again, squinting at the board. He was able to make out a few words amongst the mess. ‘Drugs’, ‘mafia’, ‘fighting ring’, ‘drugs’ again, ‘heist rings’, ‘drugs’ a third time.

“Tommy, what in the world is this?”

“This, Blade, is my board of ideas! We, my friends, will be figuring out what Philza Minecraft, creator of Minecraft, is doing!”

“And your ideas are… drugs, the mob, drugs again, and criminal groups? Maybe he just likes it there man, all of this is nonsense,” Techno deadpanned, already regretting his decision to show up to Tommy’s so called “Big Man Family Meeting”.

“No no wait a second Techno, he might be onto something-“

“Not you too, Wilbur!”

“He has a point… it does seem suspicious…”

“Wilbur gets it! I’m thinking drugs. It’s probably drugs.”

“Hm, could be drugs, but I think mafia seems more, yknow, exciting!”

“Yeah yeah, but he’s too cool to be such a low-life in the mafia that he only goes once a week! I bet if Philza was in the mafia he’d be the top dog, the capo, the big boss, the king!”

“Okay okay fine, but you’re a child, and I’m not ruling it out.”

“I’m not a fucking child, you bitch! I am a Big Man, Wilbur! A Big Man!”

Techno sighed as the two devolved into bickering. Just another Tuesday. 

“Guys, guys, first off, subscribe to Technoblade, and second off, you’re being nuts, I bet if we came with him we’d see that he’s just lookin around.”

Wilbur excitedly jumped out of his seat on the carpet.

“Holy shit, you’re right!” 

“I’m always right-“

“We should follow him!”

Techno looked at him, simultaneously both bewildered and pissed off, before he responded with a simple, “What.”

“Ohoho! Big Man Wilbur is right! If we follow him we’ll find out what he’s doing! We’ll catch him right as he’s doing The Cocaine.”

“That isn’t happening.”

“C’mon Techno, Tommy’s on board, it’s two against one, you gotta! We’re gonna sneak out and follow him!”

“We are absolutely not doing that.”

~~~~~

They did, in fact, do that.

~~~~~

“Wednesday, 4 pm, Dick’s Sporting Goods’ parking lot.”

“...What are you doing, Tommy?”

“Eyyyy Techno! I was just talking into this cool voice recorder, makes it seem more official, eh?”

Techno snorted and shook his head. 

“That is a Hello Kitty walkie-talkie from ten years ago, Tommy.”

Tommy clutched the walkie-talkie, painted black with poorly drawn flames on the back, covering what used to be a Hello Kitty face.

“Don’t say that! This is clearly the best and coolest recorder you have ever seen, asshole! It’s just what we need for our spy mission!”

Techno’s lips twitched into a frown. He glared at Tommy and Wilbur, who was snickering behind him, before he seemed to notice something.

“Speaking of spy missions, why are you losers dressed like…. like that?”

He gestured to the other two. The older was wearing a blond wig with clout goggles and an outfit that very clearly looked like he just pulled it out of the back of his closet, moth balls and all. The younger, to contrast, was dressed in all black, with an black beanie pulled over his hair and a facemask and giant sunglasses obscuring his features.

Tommy rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses, not that Techno could see.

“We are blending in, Technoblade.”

“That is the exact opposite of blending in.”

Wilbur whipped out a cap and shoved in on Techno, who took it off to see it read ‘Fish want me, Women fear me’, which was absolutely not something he was going to try to unpack.

“We’re in disguise, Techno! We can’t have Phil recognizing us!”

“Yeah! Big W gets it! We need to be, not sexy, which is a mistake I have made before, but stealthy!”

Techno just puts the cap back on, knowing it was a lost cause. Well, it would at least be fun watching his brothers make a fool of themselves, and maybe he’d get some blackmail out of it. Either way, a win for him.

Tommy cleared his throat before speaking again.

“Now! We’re gonna need code names so Philza can’t tell it’s us! I, of course, will be Big Man. Wilbur will be… um….” - he glances at the hat Wilbur gave to Techno - “fish fucker! And the Blade will be Kinda Big Man!”

“Hey! It was one time!”

Tommy and Techno both paused to stare at Wilbur, before deciding that they didn’t want to ask or know.

They looked back at each other for a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, before Tommy coughed loudly.

“Alright! Operation Shadowclaw is a go!”

“Wait, we had an operation name?” 

“Pff, and why is it Shadowclaw, you’re such a child!”

Wilbur burst into giggles, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes.

Tommy frowned.

“C’monnnn guys, we gotta start! Or else we’ll lose him! And I’m not a child!”

The three walked to the automatic door, pausing in front like some sort of action movie trio, Tommy in the lead.

“We ready, boys?

“Hell yeah!”

“Sure.”

~~~~~

Dick’s Sporting Goods was, as always, Dick’s Sporting Goods. That is to say, very, very lame and very, very big.

No, seriously, like, very big.

This, unfortunately, was something Tommy was just then realizing.

Thirty minutes passed, and Phil was nowhere in sight. 

At this point, Tommy had nearly memorized the layout of the store, and probably knew way too much about baseball bats after an ill-timed stop behind an employee helping a kid pick out his first bat.

Still, they trekked on.

There were a few close calls, green and white flashes turning out to be soccer balls or cartoon-themed graphic tees.

(After the fifth false alarm, Wilbur almost screamed.)

It was around their third time passing through the basketball aisle after looping the store that Tommy considered that maybe they weren’t going about it very well. He, of course, wasn’t going to admit that, so he chose a different course of action: blaming.

“Well boys, it seems we have an issue.”

“Oh, did you finally realize that your strategy of ‘stick together and loop around the same area until we find him’ sucked?”

“Fuck off, Tech- I mean Kinda Big Man! I am an excellent strategist, you dick! The issue is that you two suck at searching, and you’re holding me back. So, you two will go off by yourself while I, the superior searcher, will look by myself and text you when I find him.”

He began to continue on, but trailed off as quick as he started.

“...Where the fuck is Wil?”

~~~~~

Wilbur was having the time of his fucking life. 

That probably says something about his life, considering what he had done was stolen an employee’s set of keys and snuck into the back. 

Was it his greatest idea? 

Abso-fuckin-lutely babey! 

After fourty-five minutes with no Phil, he figured, why not just get to the source of the problem? 

Yeah, following Phil would lead them to whatever secret he was hiding, but if Wilbur found the secret on his own, there’d be no need to follow Phil!

“Now, let’s see what we’ve got!”

Wilbur grinned as he swung the door open to reveal…

boxes. Just, an awful lot of boxes. Not even cool secret looking boxes! Just boxes labelled like “Tennis Balls” and “Mens’ Shoes Size 11 Nike Air Fit 2.0”.

“Well that’s stupid, but… it’s not like they’d keep the good shit super close to the front.”

As quietly as he could in squeaky tennis shoes, Wilbur made his way further into the storage space. He trailed his hand along the walls and hummed a bit, strolling between the shelves.

He finally reached the chorus of the song he was humming when the door creaked open, and he froze.

Okay, well, I’ll just um, stay quiet and wait until they leave! First, lemme get to a place to hide…

Promptly, as if the universe had pegged him for the role of “unlucky protagonist”, he tripped.

The loud crash startled the employee, causing them to yell out.

“Who’s in here? Are you okay?”

While yes, he probably could’ve lied or tricked or snuck his way out of that one, Wilbur’s brain decided to go full monkey.

He bolted.

Wilbur sprinted down the aisles towards the door, knocking over the confused employee in his mad dash.

Oh god they’re gonna call the cops and then I’m gonna go to jail and die I need to get out of here.

He ran until he found Tommy and Techno, grabbing their arms and dragging them away at top speed.

“Hey hey Wil! Watch what you’re doing, man! What’s going on?”

“No time. Gotta go.”

As the three boys dashed out of the store, Wilbur spotted out of the corner of his eye, through all of the commotion they caused, one Philza Minecraft, calmly browsing the soccer section.

None of them even played soccer!

~~~~~

Once the panting boys got inside, Techno threw off the ‘Fish want me, women fear me’ hat and flopped onto the couch. He groaned and shoved his head into a pillow, too tired to do anything.

Tommy, on the other hand, began methodically taking off his ‘stealth gear’ and placing it neatly within a lockbox, locking it with the small heart shaped key it came with, and then swallowing it.

This went unnoticed by the other two, as one was in a state of panic, and the other was half asleep.

The three sat for a bit in silence, Wilbur trading his clout goggles and wig for his signature beanie and glasses, and the other two downing their emergency rations (gummie bears from the nearby drug store and a can of coke). 

Techno, finally recovered enough to speak, lifted up his head.

“So, Wil, ya gonna tell me what happened?”

“Well, uh, you see-“

Wilbur then launched into a dramatic retelling of what happened, adding some fun little twists like dragons and an international spy ring.

When Wilbur finished up his story, Tommy stroked his chin before looking up at the other two, eyes fiery.

“I think, fellas, we’re gonna need some backup.”

~~~~~

Employee’s Interlude

They watched the man? boy? screech as he bolted out of the room. They sighed, thinking about how much paperwork that would entail. Well… it’s not like he was carrying anything, so he couldn’t have stolen anything. 

They sighed again, they’d been doing a lot of sighing lately. They supposed it was better to let it be, they weren’t paid enough to deal with extra paperwork anyways. This was supposed to be a respectable, minimum wage, nine-to-five job, not somewhere where crazy children would run screaming out of the storage room. Fucking hell.

God they hated their job.

**Author's Note:**

> i... i dont know what to say... expect updates whenever i feel like it i guess?


End file.
